


Ingrown

by valisi



Series: Vespers [10]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Anniversary, Bathing/Washing, Belt Bondage, Biting, Bonding, Caretaker Levi, Consent, Cuddling & Snuggling, Discussion of Past Abuse, Domestic, Dominant Erwin Smith, Emotional Constipation, Emotionally Repressed, Eventual Catharsis, Feelings, Female Hange Zoë, First Love, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Horrible Catharsis, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Levi hates the rain, Love Confessions, M/M, Masturbation, Orgasm Delay, Praise, Pre-Canon, Romance, Sexual Content, Twisted Erwin Explanations, crying levi, discussion of suicide attempt, emotional barriers, negotiation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-13
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-08-08 13:02:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7758817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valisi/pseuds/valisi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The past few months of Erwin taking over as Commander have been stressful. He's been absentminded and isn't caring for himself as much as Levi would like. So, no matter how disgusting the request, Levi offers his time and service to his Commander. In return, he'll ask Erwin for something that will shock both of them.</p>
<p>
  <i> “I would do the worst things for you,” Erwin whispered against Levi's hair. </i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'll be updating more chapters throughout the weekend. Please enjoy!
> 
> Rated Explicit for further chapters.

After lunch, Levi walked casually up to Erwin's office door and opened it without knocking. Erwin didn't have to look up from his paperwork. There was only one man who would come into his office without knocking. 

“Hey,” Levi said. He closed the door behind him. 

“Thank you for coming by, Levi,” Erwin said. He put his papers down on the desk. “I need a favor.” 

“Oh?” Levi walked across the room and behind the desk. Erwin swiveled his chair towards Levi. 

“You're not going to like it,” Erwin grinned, but the gesture didn't touch his eyes. Levi grimaced. 

“I was interested until you said that part,” Levi sighed. “What is it?” 

“I have an ingrown toenail I need you to dig out,” Erwin said. 

“Ugh!” Levi recoiled. “Go to the doctor like everyone else.” 

“If I go to the doctor's office, then I can't stay here and do work. I'm behind, Levi,” Erwin said. 

“Call the doctor over here, wise ass! You're the Commander.” 

“They're still busy with injuries we sustained from the last expedition. I can't call doctors away for this when there are soldiers who actually need them.” Levi's gaze softened then. “I know you'll be quick about it.” Erwin tilted his head to the side. The blue gaze reaching up to Levi was so inviting and confident. Levi rolled his eyes. He sat down at Erwin's feet and crossed his legs in front of him. 

“Which foot is it?” 

“The left,” Erwin said. Levi took off Erwin's right boot and sock. There was some resistance in the boot, and Levi had a sneaking suspicion he knew why Erwin had an ingrown toenail. When he took the sock off, he wiped away the cotton fluffs from Erwin's skin. “Wrong foot?” Erwin asked. 

“If I'm going to be down here, I'll wash both of your feet. Washing just one is stupid,” Levi said. Erwin smirked. “Are you in a lot of pain?” 

“Yes,” Erwin said firmly. Levi wrapped his hand around the back of Erwin's left boot. 

“Try and stay relaxed,” Levi instructed. Erwin inhaled and released it slowly. The boot slid down Erwin's foot just barely and he clenched his jaw. Eyes shut tightly, Erwin growled against the pain. Levi didn't stop pulling though. The sooner the boot came off, the better. He noticed that it wasn't coming off as easily as it should. Eventually the boot slid off of Erwin's foot, and Levi set it to the side. He grabbed the hem of Erwin's sock and pulled it off. 

Erwin's toe was red and heavily swollen with infection. More importantly it looked very painful. Levi thought he could see the swelling rising now that it had been released from the confinement of the boot. 

“Shit, Erwin,” Levi furrowed his brow. “Why did you let it get this bad?” Erwin sighed and leaned his head back in the chair. The throbbing pain in his toe had only increased with all of the movement. Levi picked up Erwin's left boot and looked at it again. The leather was dry, and irritation flooded Levi's head. 

“That last expedition, and the one before it,” Erwin said. “I've been very distracted. I'm sure you've noticed.” 

“It looks like your boots got wet and you didn't bother to put your stretcher in after you took them off,” Levi accused. Levi frowned up at Erwin, but Erwin wasn't looking down at him. 

“I forgot,” Erwin admitted softly. Without putting the stretcher in the toe of Erwin's boot, when his boots had dried the leather shrank and made his boots too small for his feet. Stress riddled Erwin's features, and Levi couldn't help but feel a bit guilty. The past three months of Erwin taking over as Commander had been hard on him. Even on Erwin's birthday, Levi had a hard time pulling him away from his desk just to go make his yearly toast with Hange and Mike. 

When Levi stood, he thoughtlessly brushed himself off. He leaned over Erwin in the chair and planted a quick kiss on his forehead before turning away. 

“I'll be right back,” Levi assured him. Erwin watched him go and then looked back down at his feet. He wiggled the infected toe back and forth. It felt much better now that he was out of his boot. 

When Levi came back, his arms were so full he had trouble opening the door. Erwin saw him struggling and made a move to stand to help. 

“Sit down,” Levi insisted. “I've got it.” He kicked the door shut when he was fully in the room. Levi walked across the room and began sitting things down at Erwin's feet. 

First, Levi put down the heavy bucket of hot water. Then, he dropped the pile of linens onto the floor. Levi had folded them himself, and they did not topple with the force of being dropped. Levi pulled an ointment, bandage and a pair of nail clippers out of his pocket and sat them on the edge of Erwin's desk within his reach. 

Levi sat back down at Erwin's feet. 

“Lift them,” Levi said. Erwin lifted his feet, and Levi laid a towel down on the floor under them. With a hand, Levi directed Erwin to lower his feet onto the clean towel. Looking up, Levi saw that Erwin was watching him. Levi nodded towards Erwin's desk. “Get back to work. You're behind remember?” Erwin's lips parted in a full smile before he picked up a pile of papers from his desk to continue reading. 

Levi took another clean towel and laid it in his lap. He took one of the wash cloths he brought with him and soaked it in the hot water. After wringing it out, he picked up Erwin's right foot and sat it in his lap on top of the towel. Obviously, Erwin's feet were already relatively clean, but Levi was attempting to distract him from the upcoming discomfort. Tenderly, Levi dragged the cloth all over Erwin's foot with long strokes. Erwin jumped a bit when Levi wiped in between his toes. It had tickled him, but he didn't make a noise. He was engrossed in the report he was reading. Levi grinned at the idea that Erwin had ticklish feet and dropped the wet washcloth to the side. He lifted the towel in his lap and patted Erwin's foot dry. When his foot felt dry, Erwin lifted it out of Levi's lap and returned it to the towel on the floor. 

Without breaking concentration, Erwin lifted his left foot and put it gently in Levi's lap. Levi dipped a fresh wash cloth into the bucket of water and repeated the process on Erwin's left foot. He was careful around the swollen toe, but he did take care to make sure that its surface was very clean. Erwin couldn't help but wince, but he didn't complain. Without a word, Levi reached to his side pulled his knife from his back pocket. He had pulled it out of his boot earlier to have easy access to it. 

When the sound of the knife flipping open hit Erwin's ears, his brain refused to read the report even though he didn't look away from it. His eyes were just passing across the page without receiving the information now. 

Levi pressed the tip of his knife between the top of Erwin's nail and the skin on the side of his toe. The tip of knife slide across Erwin's skin and made a very small cut. 

“Ow,” Erwin breathed. He hid his face with the papers. Levi had not gone deep enough. There wasn't any blood. 

A knock rapped against Erwin's door. Levi pulled his knife away from the skin. 

“Come in,” Erwin said. Hange opened the door and walked in. 

“Afternoon, Commander,” Hange said cheerfully after closing the door. Levi put his knife against Erwin's skin again. 

“Hello, Hange,” Erwin said. Then there was a stinging pain in his toe. “Ow! Damn it, Levi! Warn me first.” Erwin winced. 

“Stop whining,” Levi grunted. Hange raised an eyebrow. She walked up to Erwin's desk and looked around to where he was facing. Levi was sitting on the floor behind Erwin's desk bent over Erwin's foot in his lap. 

Once Levi knew that it was only Hange, he took advantage of Erwin's distraction and had made a cut between the nail and the skin. 

“What are you doing, Levi?” Hange asked curiously before fully realizing what she was looking at. “I didn't know you did pedicures. So talented.” Hange grinned. 

“Commander Smarty didn't stretch his boots,” Levi grumbled. 

“Ah,” Hange nodded. “We have doctors for that Erwin.”

“They're busy,” Erwin insisted. “I can't leave all this work behind.” He winced and bit hit bottom lip. Erwin dropped the papers back on the desk and put an elbow on the arm of his chair. He rested his cheek against his fist and watched Levi. There was no way he could focus on reading now.

Levi had picked up a clean cloth and was using it to catch the pus and blood from Erwin's toe. When the area was a bit cleaner, Levi took the cloth away from Erwin's toe and looked at it. He still couldn't reach the tip of the nail, but some of the swelling had gone down now. 

“I can come back later to talk,” Hange said. 

“It's fine,” Erwin said. Hange leaned against the edge of Erwin's desk. “I've been thinking that you should do another mission to go to Wall Maria and watch Titans at night, Hange. If you're interested.” 

“Of course!” Hange said with excitement. 

“I can't ever promise you Titans in captivity, but I can give you this. I'm changing some things from last time,” Erwin said. 

“Like what?” 

“I want two people stationed together instead of one person per lantern,” Erwin said. “I'm willing to spend the soldiers. In the middle of next month, there's going to be a full moon.” 

“Excellent!” Hange said. Neither of them had looked at each other. Erwin and Hange were both staring at Levi for the entire conversation. Too involved in his work, Levi didn't notice both sets of eyes watching him intently.

Levi put the tip of the knife under Erwin's toe and tried to lift the edge of it. 

“Ah,” Erwin grimaced and tensed. 

“Relax,” Levi said. “It's almost over.” The edge of the nail lifted. 

“Nail clippers, Hange,” Hange looked surprised and saw the clippers on the edge of the desk. She took them and handed them to Levi. Without looking up, Levi took the clippers and clipped the edge of the nail that was exposed. Levi took his knife out from under the nail and sat it to the side. Erwin relaxed. The pressure in his toe was noticeably different now.

After inspecting it further, Levi was satisfied that the part of the nail that had been ingrown was fully cut out. Some blood and infection still leaked from the little cut he made, but it would be fine. Levi picked up another clean wash cloth and dipped the edge of it in the water. He wiped Erwin's toe off carefully and tossed the rag aside. 

When Levi lifted his hand again, Hange intuitively handed him the ointment and bandage. Levi put a small amount of ointment on Erwin's toe. He didn't want to confine it again though. Using the clean corner of a rag, he wiped away some of the excess medicine.

“Let it air out,” Levi said. “You shouldn't have even put boots on today.” He reached up and put the bandage roll back on Erwin's desk. Erwin lifted his foot from Levi's lap and put it back down on the floor towel. Erwin released a relieved breath. 

“That feels much better already,” Erwin said. “Thank you, Levi.” Levi picked up his knife and dipped it in the bucket of water. He wiped it off with the towel and made a mental note to sanitize it later. 

“When you clip your toenails, make them square,” Levi instructed. “Stop rounding them out so much.” Hange felt a warm fuzzy feeling watching the two old men. 

“You're anniversary is coming up soon,” Hange blurted suddenly. Levi frowned. Erwin looked to her with surprised amusement. 

“What anniversary?” Erwin's voice was full of laughter now. Hange thought of her words carefully for a moment before she answered. 

“You know,” she said. “Your anniversary of being together.” 

“Hange,” Levi said. “Could you please try to your damnedest not to say crazy shit when I have a knife in my hand.” It wasn't even a question; it was a demand, and Hange laughed loudly. 

“Since when have you decided that we're together, Hange?” Erwin asked. Satisfying curiosity was more important to him than propriety this time.

“Umm,” Hange tilted her head and looked off into the distance trying to remember. “Last year? Late October, maybe. I don't know the actual date though.” Erwin smiled. Hange had known almost the entire time and had never said a word. Levi cringed and stood, but didn't look at her.

“What time is it, Hange?” Levi asked. Hange turned and looked at Erwin's clock. 

“Oh! I'm late!” Hange said. She leaned away from Erwin's desk. “I'll have a mission plan and supply request to you this week, Commander!” Hange left the room in a hurry. Levi shook his head. 

“I can't believe that still works,” Levi said. 

“It's just convenient for you that Hange runs late so much,” Erwin smiled. 

“If she ever catches on to it, I'm fucked,” Levi said. Erwin laughed. Levi bent over to put his knife back in his boot. The curves of Levi's body made Erwin's toes on his right foot curl.

When Levi stood up again, he adjusted his uniform and some of his belts. 

“Have you picked your team yet?” Erwin knew that Levi hadn't, but he needed to ask. 

“I'm still looking,” Levi said. 

“I need you to go ahead and choose, Levi,” Erwin said softly. 

“I know,” Levi said. After piling up all of the used linens except for the towel under Erwin's feet, Levi picked up the bucket by the handle. He pushed all of the dirty linens to the wall out of Erwin's way with his boot. Levi leaned down and picked up Erwin's boots. “Can you get the rest of this later?” Levi motioned to everything he hadn't picked up.

“Yes,” Erwin said. “Why are you taking my boots?” 

“You're not putting these back on today. We'll remold them tonight,” Levi said. Erwin's facial expression softened and the corners of his mouth turned up. 

“What if I have errands that I need to run?” Levi stared at Erwin's lips when they moved. He cleared his throat and focused back on the conversation. 

“If you need something, either I'll go get it or,” Levi paused. “You have an assistant, Erwin. Run his ass around a little bit!” Erwin laughed. 

“Alright, Levi.” 

“Don't get out of that chair unless you have to,” Levi demanded. 

“Thank you,” Erwin said. 

“Sure,” Levi said. Levi leaned down and put his lips against Erwin's. Heat flared in his neck, and he broke the kiss quickly. Without another word, Levi turned and left Erwin's office.


	2. Chapter 2

After work, Levi headed to Erwin's quarters. When he opened the door, he saw Erwin was sitting at the table in his chair reading another report. He really was behind then. Levi closed the door, and Erwin dropped the report on the table. When Levi turned, he was surprised to see things on the table that he didn't recognize. There was a bottle of whiskey, a tea tin, tea cups, hot water and two little rectangles wrapped in paper. 

“What's this?” Levi furrowed his brow and stepped over to the table. Erwin lifted a piece of paper that had been folded in half. 

“Don't crumple it,” Erwin said. “I'm keeping it.” Levi took the paper and opened it. 

           _If you won't tell me the exact date, I'll make an anniversary for you. Happy anniversary!_

          _-Hange_

“Fucking relentless,” Levi grumbled. He shook his head, but a smile touched his lips. 

“She knows we don't have a date,” Erwin said. “It's not like either of us expected for this to go on for so long.” Levi nodded and put the piece of paper within Erwin's reach on the table. The tea tin caught his eye first. 

“How's your toe?” Erwin wiggled his toes in his fresh socks. 

“Better,” Erwin said, but Levi was already distracted. Picking up the tin, Levi already knew that he didn't know the tea's name. So he had never had it before. The ingredients list on the back told him that it had a few special ingredients in it that were delicate. It shouldn't be steeped very long. When he looked closer at the rectangles wrapped in paper, he noticed that one had his name on it and one had Erwin's name. They were both from Hange. Levi put the tin down and touched the rectangle with his name on it. 

“You didn't open yours?” 

“I was waiting on you,” Erwin said. “The whiskey is from Mike. The tea says that its from Nanaba, but that's not true.” 

“She still doesn't know?” 

“No, but she and Mike are together. So Hange probably just included her for fun. In fact, I doubt that Mike knows about this either. It's all Hange's work.” The words passed through Levi's head without much meaning. He was too interested in the wrapped things. It was a welcome surprise to Erwin for Levi to respond so strongly to gifts. If he had known sooner, then maybe he would've bought more gifts for Levi. 

“Let's open them,” Levi said. Erwin smiled and stood from his chair. He walked over to stand next to Levi. 

Unable to wait any longer, Levi picked up the little rectangle. He flipped it over and saw where the paper was secured. He pulled and the paper parted easily. When he moved the paper away, he was holding a little rectangle of wood. It was only about eight centimeters in height and it was very thin. Levi was confused at first, and then he flipped it over. 

It was a picture frame. There was an oval cut out in the wood, but there wasn't any glass in it. In the center of the oval was a sketch of Erwin. The likeness was incredible. Hange had sketched a bust of Erwin in uniform and even included his bolo tie. It was Erwin's exact expression when he was smiling down at Levi with that soft look in his eyes. 

Levi looked up from the miniature and saw Erwin was giving him that exact look now. He saw that Erwin was holding a picture frame in his hand too. Erwin flipped his frame around so Levi could see his picture. The sketch was a bust of Levi in uniform. From the angle it seemed like Levi was looking up at someone, and one side of his lips was turned up in a smirk. Levi looked back up at Erwin.

Erwin pulled the left side of his uniform jacket open and revealed his breast pocket. He put the picture frame in his pocket with the picture facing towards him and closed his jacket again. The frames had been made to fit in their uniforms. Levi pulled open the left side of his own jacket and put the frame in it. Of course, it fit perfectly. Levi put his jacket back in place and felt of the frame through his clothes. 

“It's really light,” Levi commented. 

“It might be impractical to carry them around while we're working,” Erwin said. “But for days when we're only doing desk work, they're perfect.” 

“Yeah,” Levi muttered. Erwin stepped closer to Levi and put a hand on either side of his face. Lifting his own hands, Levi let them rest on Erwin's elbows and looked up to meet Erwin's gaze. When Levi leaned up his toes, their lips met gently, and neither of them moved for a moment. A tremble began in Levi's chest, and he broke the kiss. 

Their arms fell, but Erwin reached out and grabbed Levi's hand. He stepped backwards pulling Levi along with him. Erwin reached his chair and sat down letting go of Levi's hand. Levi straddled Erwin's lap and sat down. When Erwin wrapped his arms around Levi and pulled him in close, Levi put his arms around Erwin's shoulders and rested his forehead against the back of the chair. Erwin let his hands slide under Levi's jacket and felt of the soft shirt under it. Then his fingertips found one of Levi's harness belts, and Erwin ran his fingers along the edge of the leather. 

Levi leaned back and met Erwin's eyes with his gray gaze. It concerned Erwin when he noticed how wide Levi's eyes were. Then he saw Levi swallow hard enough to make his throat move. 

“What is it?” The question was gentle. Levi shook his head in response. “Are you feeling alright?” Erwin asked. His fingertips were still playing with one Levi's chest belts. While the look in Levi's eyes was very strange and even a little panicked, Erwin's mouth was still tilted in a grin. Perhaps the idea of someone else being happy for them had been too much for Levi to handle. Levi's lips parted as if he were about to say something, but he faltered. 

“I want some tea,” Levi said quietly. That's not what he had intended to say. Erwin nodded. 

“Make some for me too?” Quickly, Levi slid off Erwin's lap and went to make tea. It was difficult for Levi to focus on making tea because he was distracted. There had been something he wanted to say, and he physically couldn't. It was terrifying.


	3. Chapter 3

Several days after their anniversary, Erwin was working quickly at his desk. The expedition was next week, and it was time to assign positions to the teams that would be going beyond the walls. All of the work that he had been so behind on was now caught up, and he felt like he had more control. 

He had been so absorbed in his work that he hadn't noticed the rain falling outside until it became very heavy and loud. It was beating against the windows in his office, and he cringed. Just a little while longer. A few more names went down on the large map. 

Then a bright flash lit the room and a deep thunder followed it. Erwin cursed under his breath and drew another line on the map. After that, he couldn't sit still anymore. He tossed the pen down and looked out the window. The sky was dark and angry. Lighting flashed and thunder rolled again. 

Standing from his chair, Erwin realized there was nervous tension in his chest now. There were a few places that he could check, but the one closest to him would be first. 

When Erwin opened the door to his quarters, he saw Levi in soaked clothes sitting in his favorite chair. Candles were lit all over the room, and Levi was patting at his hair with a towel. Relief flooded Erwin's body, and he quickly closed the door behind him. 

“Of course it would fucking rain,” Levi muttered. A relieved smile spread over Erwin's face. 

“Yeah,” Erwin said. He closed the distance between he and Levi, but Levi didn't look up at him. Levi was staring out the window into the dark rain. Erwin leaned down and kissed the top of Levi's wet head. 

“How's your toe?” 

“It's still sore sometimes,” Erwin said. “The swelling is gone though. Where are my other boots?” 

“I hid them from you until we have time to mold them to your feet,” Levi explained. 

“Can we mold them tonight then?” Levi looked up at him. “They're my favorite pair.” While Levi didn't understand the sentiment, he didn't want to deny Erwin that type of satisfaction. 

“Yeah. Let's polish them too.” Erwin smiled. Looking away again, Levi seemed far away once more. “Erwin.” 

“Yes, Levi,” Erwin said. 

“I want something,” Levi said. “And I don't know how to get it.” Erwin raised his eyebrows and moved to his own chair. He slid it across the floor until it was in front of Levi. When he took a seat, he propped his elbow on one arm of the chair and rested his chin in his hand. 

“You have my full attention,” Erwin said. Normally, this would be the part where Levi said something snarky, but nothing of the sort came from his mouth. 

“Remember,” Levi paused and thought about his words. “There was something you said to me the night you let me fuck you. After I fucked you specifically.” 

“Yes.” 

“I haven't heard those words since my mother died,” Levi said. “I haven't said those words for,” another pause. “I can't remember how long now.” Erwin lifted his head from his hand and let the hand drop. This was going in a direction he had not anticipated. 

“And if you never say them,” Erwin said. “It will be just fine.” 

“I know,” Levi snapped. Erwin nodded and sat back in his chair a bit farther as if that would restrain his words. Levi needed some verbal space right now. 

There were many things racing through Levi's mind, and he couldn't find the exact words he wanted. A few words came to mind, and he thought Erwin could catch the rest. 

“I want to say them,” Levi offered. Erwin's eyebrows raised. “Can you teach me to say them?” Erwin furrowed his brow then with confusion. 

“Teach them to you,” Erwin said aloud thinking them over. “I don't understand.” Levi winced trying to form the thought. It was right there, and he couldn't reach it.

“Can you make me say them?” Levi asked with obvious uncertainty. Erwin shook his head not really believing what he was hearing. It was absurd idea to try and _make_ Levi do anything especially something so delicate. There was something else to what Levi was trying to say though. Erwin knew Levi was just having a very difficult time forming his thoughts. 

“Are you having trouble finding the words?”

“Yeah.” 

“I have an idea. Let me run some phrases by you,” Erwin said. “When you hear something that matches what you're thinking, stop me.” 

“Alright,” Levi adjusted his chair as if it would prepare him.

“I'm afraid to say that I love someone.”

“No.” 

“If I tell anyone else that I love them besides my mother, the words won't be special anymore.” Levi paused for a moment to think heavily on that one. The words were still important even when they didn't involve his mother. If they had not been important, then he wouldn't care that Erwin had said them at all. They wouldn't be so difficult to say if they weren't so special.

“No.” Erwin closed his eyes and tried to think the way Levi thinks. It took a few moments for Erwin to choose another way to phrase what Levi was feeling.

“When I think about those words, I feel tense,” Erwin said. He opened his eyes and looked at Levi. 

“Yeah,” Levi nodded. 

“Explain the tense part,” Erwin said. 

“It won't come out,” Levi shook his head. “You should know this feeling well.” Erwin grinned. 

“Words and bodily functions don't have the same mechanics, Levi,” Erwin said. Levi's body language softened.

“Whatever,” Levi said. Erwin's mouth twitched to the side while he thought. “So what can we do about that?” 

“Let me think about it,” Erwin said. They sat in silence while Erwin thought. Levi picked up Erwin's cigarette tin from the table and took one out. He lit it and passed it to Erwin. Erwin was so deep in thought he didn't notice. 

“Hey,” Levi said. Erwin looked and took the cigarette from Levi's hand. It went directly to his mouth and he inhaled. Levi took a cigarette for himself and lit it. 

Many minutes of silence passed between them while they considered Levi's predicament. When Erwin was halfway through his cigarette, he shook his head. 

“I've got two ideas, but neither of them can solve this tonight. I don't know if they will satisfy you,” Erwin said with an exhale of smoke. 

“Let's hear it,” Levi said. He dragged on his cigarette. 

“The most obvious option is to give you more time,” Erwin said. “That's the path of least resistance and lowest risk. Eventually, you'll probably get comfortable enough to say it. And when I say it to you, then that will probably break down the barrier slowly. Essentially, if you spend enough time around someone, you can pick up some of their habits.” Levi shook his head. 

“That either won't work or will take too damn long,” Levi said. The unspoken part, that Levi was thinking, was that he didn't want either of them to die before he could say it. That had been the main motivation of having the conversation at all. While he expected he and Erwin would be alive for a long time, there was a risk of not coming home for every expedition. It wasn't acceptable for Levi to wait and just _hope_ that one day he would be able to say those words to Erwin.

“Well,” Erwin nodded. “You're right.” 

“Then what's the other option?” Erwin blinked rapidly and looked up at the ceiling. Obviously he was entirely uncomfortable with what he was about to suggest. 

“A seriously depraved type of catharsis,” Erwin said and his eyes returned to Levi. 

“Fucking simple terms,” Levi demanded. 

“Umm,” Erwin thought with a huff of breath. “Let me use a metaphor.” 

“Erwin,” Levi snapped. Erwin held his hands up. 

“Alright,” Erwin said. “Just don't lose your temper when I say this.” Levi felt his temper already rising, but it had to do with Erwin bullshitting him. “Essentially, I would put you in a position where you are mentally and physically compromised, and then the only way for you to be released from that is to say the words.” 

“You're idea is to fucking torture me,” Levi was incredulous. 

“Only in the best way possible,” Erwin offered. “But you're right. There are many ways that this could go wrong.” 

“The best way possible,” Levi repeated. 

“Right,” Erwin said. “There's really only one way I can make you weak, Levi. Right?” 

“Sex?” 

“Specifically, to get you right on the brink of orgasm and take it away from you,” Erwin explained. His gaze on Levi was darkened then. It seemed so heavy to him, but Levi didn't think that was such a wild idea.

“Edging?” Levi asked with final understanding. 

“Yes,” Erwin said. “So you're familiar.” 

“You should've just said that to begin with instead of your creepy ass version of it!” Erwin laughed. “What the fuck makes you so twisted?” Erwin shook his head and couldn't stop giggling at Levi's disturbance. 

“I really don't know,” Erwin said. Levi rolled his eyes. 

“I've done it before,” Levi said finally after Erwin had stopped laughing. “To myself.” Levi lifted his cigarette to his lips and inhaled. “That's not going to work, Erwin.” Smoke passed Levi's lips with the words.

“Do you like it?” Erwin asked. 

“Hell yes I like it,” Levi nodded. “That's why it won't work. That's not torture. That's a pastime for insomnia.” Erwin smiled. 

“At first, you made it sound like you only do it occasionally.”

“When you can't sleep, you find a lot of new things to try,” Levi said. 

“This time won't be like when you do it to yourself, Levi,” Erwin tone was firm again. “It won't be anything like that.” 

“How?” 

“Because when you do it, then you get to stop any time you want,” Erwin said. “If I do this, for this specific purpose, then I won't stop until you achieve your goal.” Levi's facial features faltered in confusion at first and that was replaced by realization. 

“Shit.” Levi crushed his cigarette in the ashtray. 

“It could take all night,” Erwin said. “You might not be able to do it at all.” Levi gritted his teeth and his head fell back against the chair behind him. He looked away from Erwin and back out the window at the heavy rain. Would it be more satisfying to try and fail or to not try at all and hope that it simply happened one day? This left Levi with more questions rather than the answer he wanted. It's not as if he thought this would be simple, but he didn't consider that it would possibly fuck with his head. The rain made him remember all of the things he had never said before. He didn't want that to happen with Erwin too.

“Will it be anymore intense than the time you bound me with my belt?” Levi thought back to the memory of having his wrists bound with his own belt. It had been his idea. He honestly loved every moment of it. Sometimes, during the work day, he would find those holes he had made in his belt with the pad of his thumb and remember the night.

“I pushed you pretty far that night. But this could be more intense,” Erwin offered. The memory of Erwin licking his asshole returned, and he had to stop a cringe from showing. Although it felt amazing at the time, thinking about it still unsettled Levi. “This is different though. It's emotional, not just physical.”

“Let's do it anyway,” Levi had made up his mind.

“Wait,” Erwin protested. 

“No,” Levi said. “Erwin, I trust you. So if you think we need to stop, then that's what you'll do.” The weight of the responsibility was heavy. After crushing his cigarette, Erwin lifted a hand and waved his fingers back and forth. 

“Come here,” Erwin said. Levi stood and walked over to him. Erwin put his hands in his lap and rubbed his thighs. Seeing the direction, Levi straddled Erwin's lap and sat down. Blue eyes gazed into Levi's gray ones, and Erwin put a hand on the side of the Levi's face. Naturally, Levi leaned into it. The habit had formed slowly, but he now leaned into anything Erwin would give to him. 

“It won't be tonight,” Erwin explained. “I don't know when I'll be able to do this.” 

“Why?” 

“Because,” Erwin paused and thought about the words. The rain had already affected Levi so negatively. Of course, they couldn't do it tonight. A better reason came to Erwin's mind. Maybe it wouldn't embarrass Levi as much if Erwin didn't mention the rain. “I'm afraid I'll hurt you. So we're going to wait. I want some time to think about exactly what I'm going to do. What I should do. What I should say. How I'm going to take care of you.” After a while of staring into Erwin's sincere blue eyes, Levi felt like Erwin was seeing through him. In comparison, Levi felt so blind. While he could read Erwin's body language, he didn't have the skills to understand the depth of some things like Erwin did. The heavy rain filled Levi's head, and he knew that he was in no position to argue.

“Whenever you're ready,” Levi nodded. 

“I'll help you do this,” Erwin promised. 

“I know.” Erwin reached up and wrapped his arms around Levi to pull him close. The towel fell from Levi's shoulders and to the floor. A hand ran into Levi's hair and held the back of his head. Levi wrapped his arms around Erwin and rested his head on Erwin's shoulder. Another bolt of lightning split the air and loud thunder followed it.

“Stay with me,” Levi muttered to him. “Until it stops.” 

“Of course, I will,” Erwin said. The strong arms around Levi tightened.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Pairing for this chapter: 
> 
> [ Digital Daggers - I Surrender ](https://youtu.be/WJXiYTllVRE) (Youtube Link/ Piano Version)

Waking from a restless sleep, Erwin's eyes opened in his dark bedroom and he stared at his ceiling. He was fully awake for no reason. Rather, he was awake for a reason he was trying to ignore. The sound of Levi's gentle breathing from his chair filled the dark room. With a deep breath, Erwin accepted the determination that he had to help Levi with his goal. 

Tonight was the night. There was no way to understand why Erwin felt that way. He had made Levi wait ten days after the last expedition had been finished. Erwin knew that Levi had wanted to say it before they had to leave the walls again, but there didn't seem to be time. Actually, Erwin had not _made_ time for this. Of course, Levi had not mentioned it at all since the day he asked for it. That made Erwin feel even more guilty. For once, Levi was being so patient with him, and he had not delivered on his promise in a timely manner.

Pure intuition was telling him that if he could catch Levi off guard, then they would have a higher rate of success. That was the idea. In theory, vulnerability would make it easier to help Levi. They also needed privacy, so late at night and in his bed was the only time and place it could happen. Since he just happened to wake in the middle of the night, this was the perfect opportunity. Ignoring it would be wrong.

Sitting up in bed, Erwin ran his hand through his hair and purposely mussed it. He threw the sheets back and stood from bed. Quietly, he crossed the room to the table where he left his cigarette tin. When he struck the match, Levi lifted his head and opened his eyes. The big chair made Levi look so small in the light of the flame. Erwin was lighting a candle. 

“Can't sleep?” Levi whispered. Then he yawned and rubbed his eyes.

“I'm sorry I woke you,” Erwin muttered. He wondered why in the darkest part of the night it always seemed more appropriate to whisper to each other. It's not as if anyone could hear them in this part of the building. 

“It's fine.” It wasn't fine. Levi slept so little most nights. 

“Get up and get undressed,” Erwin said firmly. Levi was still half asleep. 

“What?” 

“Did you not hear me?” The tone and the words brought Levi to full consciousness. While they weren't an accusation, it was suddenly clear that Erwin had something very important on his mind. Without another word, Levi stood from the chair and began undressing. Erwin turned and walked to his wardrobe. He opened it and reached to the top shelf. There were two waist belts that Erwin had rolled up earlier and stacked on top of each other. After taking them in one hand, he reached for the bottle of Aloe Vera and closed the wardrobe doors with his elbows. 

By the time Erwin turned around, a groggy Levi was standing naked in the candle light. Erwin walked over to the bed again, and without direction Levi followed him. 

“Tell me what we're doing, Erwin,” Levi said. 

“We're going to achieve this goal of yours tonight,” Erwin said. “So if you've changed your mind, now is the time to say so.” Erwin dropped the bottle and belts on the bed and turned to look at Levi. 

“I still want it,” Levi didn't sound completely convinced. 

“That doesn't sound very sure,” Erwin prodded. Levi glanced to the two belts on the bed. “Now is the time to consent, Levi.” Closing the distance between them, Levi walked up to Erwin and wrapped his arms around the tall man's waist. Erwin hugged Levi and kissed the top of his head. 

“If I can't say it,” Levi began. Erwin didn't let him finish it. 

“Even if I never hear the words from you, I'll know what you mean. Don't do this for me, Levi. This is about you.” Levi pulled back then and looked up at Erwin. “There are many things I'll never be able to give you, but I can try to give you this.” When blue met gray, they both smiled automatically, and Levi nodded.

“The process might be fun, right?” Erwin chuckled. 

“No. Probably not,” he corrected. Erwin pulled away from Levi and stepped back. “Put your arms to your sides.” 

Levi furrowed his brow and let his arms rest to the side. Erwin wrapped a belt around Levi's biceps and pulled it through the buckle until it rested on Levi's chest. It was the flattest part of Levi's torso, and Erwin hoped the buckle wouldn't be able to pinch Levi's skin there. When he secured the belt, it fit snugly against Levi's arms. Erwin didn't test the tightness and didn't ask. He picked up the other belt on the bed and wrapped it high around Levi's hips and as close as he could get to Levi's wrists without wrapping the belt too far down. For a minute, Erwin thought he would have to make another notch in the belt, but Levi's forearms filled out the belt enough for it to be closed and secured. Erwin turned the belt so the loose part would hang to the side instead of between Levi's legs. Levi winced when the rough leather of the back of the belt twisted against his skin. Once the belt was pulled through the leather loop, Erwin stepped back and looked. 

“What can you move?” Erwin asked. Levi pulled against the belts. He was able to lift his wrists up to his sides, but he couldn't reach around to his front. His elbows were capable of a slight bend, but that was all. So his arms were almost immobilized now. 

“That's it,” Levi said. Erwin nodded. He took a deep breath and released it. For a moment, Erwin was going to ask Levi again if he was sure he wanted to do this. However, Erwin refrained knowing that it would only irritate Levi. Waking Levi up from a precious few hours of sleep just to disappoint him was not a possibility. The uncertainty that Erwin was feeling made it difficult for him to feel aroused at all. 

Erwin grabbed the belt around Levi's chest and directed him to the bed. Erwin supported Levi until he was safely on the bed.

“Lay down,” Erwin said. Levi laid on his back and spread his legs below him. After Erwin had put a pillow, under Levi's head, he smiled. 

“Comfortable?” Erwin asked. Levi tried to shrug, but he couldn't. Erwin grabbed the Aloe Vera bottle from the bed, opened it and remained standing next to the bed. He poured some of the Aloe Vera juice in his hand and set the bottle to the side. After rubbing his hands together to warm it up, Erwin wrapped his hand around his soft cock and began stroking. Levi lifted his head from the bed and watched. Erwin closed his eyes and focused only of the feeling of his hand around his cock. 

Watching Erwin move his hand back and forth on himself like that made Levi's mouth water. Levi rolled over on his side to try and move closer. That was uncomfortable because he couldn't move his arm out from under himself. So he rolled over on his back again. Even though Erwin was completely hard now, he hadn't made any move towards Levi at all. Levi's own cock was swelling. When Levi saw a small amount of precome on Erwin's tip, he bent his knees up and curled his toes. 

“Hey,” Levi muttered. 

“Yes, Levi,” Erwin said. Levi closed his mouth and swallowed hard. When Erwin took his hand away from his cock, it raised and rested against his stomach. Opening his eyes, Erwin looked down at Levi. 

“Let me suck your cock,” Levi whispered. Erwin liked the look on Levi's face. 

“No,” Erwin said. The tender look on Levi's face changed to contempt. 

“Tch.” With a smile, Erwin wiped his hands on his thighs to free them of some of the excess lubricant. Erwin crawled on top of the bed and put himself between Levi's legs. Levi used his feet to push himself away from Erwin, but Erwin grabbed Levi in the crook of his knee and pulled him back down.

“Already trying to get away from me,” Erwin cooed. “Just because I won't let you suck me off?” Erwin lowered his head and wrapped his mouth around Levi's cock. A gasp ripped from Levi's throat, and his hands instinctively raised and were stopped by the belt. He wanted to wrap his hands in those tousled blonde locks, but couldn't. The leather pressed hard into his skin. Erwin took Levi fully into his mouth, and didn't move his head back up. He only let his tongue run all over Levi's length and swallowed his own saliva pooling at the back of his throat. The swallowing motion would cause Erwin's tongue and the soft part of his throat to contract around Levi's head. Levi curled his toes, and relaxed under Erwin. That squeezing and releasing of his head in Erwin's mouth felt incredible. 

Erwin lifted his head away from Levi's cock and wrapped his hand around him. He started stroking slowly but then began moving his hand quickly. Erwin loomed over Levi under him while his blue eyes were intently watching. Levi writhed under Erwin, and his eyes closed. As soon as Levi closed his eyes, Erwin took his hand away. Levi frowned and opened his eyes again. 

“Fuck you,” Levi snapped. While he expected to be denied orgasm, Levi hadn't even been close then. It was simply a fast denial of pleasure.

“That's what started all of this,” Erwin smiled. He wrapped his hand around Levi's cock and began stroking again. At least, Levi was still talking for now. The hand moving rapidly on Levi's cock lasted long enough for him to relax again. Levi almost refused to close his eyes, but he couldn't help it. Erwin didn't stop that time. So Levi allowed himself to enjoy it again. Then Levi bit his lip, and Erwin took his hand away. 

“This is why I needed to see your face,” Erwin commented. “You're so sneaky sometimes.” Levi groaned and squinted his eyes at Erwin. Without waiting for Levi to recover, Erwin wrapped his hand back around Levi's cock again. 

“Ugh,” Levi groaned. He raised off the bed to lean into Erwin's hand. Erwin gave him longer, faster strokes. Carefully, Erwin watched Levi's every move. When he saw that Levi's body was flushing a very pretty pink, Erwin took his hand away again. Mouth open, Erwin dipped his head and put his mouth on Levi again. 

Levi's back arched and his left leg bent with reflex. Now Erwin was legitimately sucking his cock. That mouth felt so hot and wet. Even though Levi reminded himself that it wouldn't last, he allowed himself to enjoy it. Erwin's tongue was sliding all over Levi's throbbing member, but when Erwin felt Levi quiver under him, his tongue retreated back into his mouth. Erwin placed tender kisses on the inside of Levi's thighs. One of Erwin's hands raised up and cupped around Levi's balls. He caressed them gently and started sucking on the tender flesh of Levi's right inner thigh. 

“You mother fucker,” Levi breathed. Everything Erwin was doing was comforting, but Levi ached for more. “Shit for brains.” Anything that came to Levi's mind he said it out loud. With that last comment, Erwin bit hard into Levi's tender inner thigh. A cry ripped from Levi's throat, and Erwin's hand reached up and started stroking Levi's cock again. The hand movements were slow, and Levi thought it was an unbearable combination. The hot pain on his tender skin and big hand around his cock confused his body, and he felt like pulling away and leaning in at the same time. Releasing the skin from his teeth, Erwin lifted his head. 

“Normally a bound man wouldn't throw around insults so casually,” Erwin said. Levi closed his eyes and gritted his teeth. At first he ignored the words, but Erwin took his hand away again. Visibly, Levi's body crumbled in on itself. Erwin smiled. 

Erwin picked up the Aloe Vera again. After coating a hand with the thick, clear liquid, Erwin rubbed his hands together to warm it up. One soaked hand reached between Levi's cheeks. A slick middle finger tip pressed against Levi's opening. It slid in easily. With that, Erwin knew that Levi was much more open than he had been in the past. All of their recent activity had kept Levi nice and stretched. Levi gritted his teeth and held his breath. Two fingers pressed against Levi's hole, and only their tips slid inside. The other hand returned to Levi's hard cock and slathered it in lubricant.

“Erwin,” Levi breathed. 

“I'm listening very intently,” Erwin assured him. The fingers didn't slide in anymore. Instead they only played around Levi's opening. 

“I- ah,” Levi couldn't finish. Not only were the sensations distracting him, but he thought he would choke on the words. The words were there, but he just couldn't force them out. With understanding, Erwin nodded. Taking his hand away from Levi's cock, Erwin pulled end of the belt around Levi's waist and wrists out of the leather loop to expose the metal prongs. He could reward Levi with that much. The prongs would come out one at the time if that was necessary. When he felt the belt move, Levi opened his eyes. Of course, they couldn't stop now. He hoped Erwin wasn't giving up. Fingers were still working at Levi's now soaked hole. So they weren't finished. Not yet.

But Erwin couldn't let Levi rest for long. His hand returned to Levi's cock again. Simultaneously, Erwin tortured Levi's opening with the softest of touches and prods while his other hand slid up and down. Quicker breaths were coming from Levi's chest now, and Erwin smiled. Taking the risk, Erwin decided to get him as close as possible. He slid three fingers inside of Levi, with only a slight resistance, and began wiggling them in the twitching muscle. The feeling of fullness from the penetration made Levi's eyes open wide with surprise.

All of the signs of Levi's climax began slowly increasing. Heavier breathing. Then, tightly closed eyes. Followed by a gaping mouth and loose jaw. His skin had been flushed for a while now, but Erwin thought he could see the pink deepen closer to red. When Erwin saw the veins in Levi's neck begin pulsing harder, he took both of his hands away. A cry of pure agony ripped from Levi's chest. His head raised from the bed and fell right back down again. Erwin winced, but remained focused on Levi's goal. 

To give Levi time to rest, Erwin kept his hands to himself. Even though he wanted to comfort Levi, he didn't think it was fair to touch him right now. Slowly, Levi's breathing began to even out to a normal pace. 

“That hurt,” Levi wheezed finally. 

“I know,” Erwin muttered. The color of Levi's member was darker now, and he was so hard. “I'll give you a break.” Erwin put his cock against Levi's opening and pressed into him. Erwin didn't expect Levi to be so loose, and he accidentally slid in too hard. Levi heaved air out of his lungs with a great moan. The trembling of Levi's entire body was instant, and his knees bent. Knowing that Levi was still in overwhelming pleasure and not pain from the hard thrust, Erwin slid out and back in gently only once. After supporting himself with a hand on either side of Levi, Erwin leaned down close to Levi's face. 

“Levi,” Erwin moaned. 

“Move,” Levi begged. “Fucking move.” 

“Not yet.” The muscles of Erwin's cock flexed and twitched inside of Levi's ass. That pressure against his prostate was so satisfying for the few seconds that it lasted. Then it was taken away. The desperation washed over Levi's face and Erwin's eyes softened. He placed a gentle kiss on Levi's face next to his mouth.

“Would it be unforgivably cruel of me to say,” Erwin paused and breathed the rest of the sentence into Levi's ear. “That you look so _beautiful_ like this.” 

“Fuck off,” Levi's voice cracked. “You evil bastard.” Another twitch of Erwin's cock made Levi's back arch and the skin of his arms twisted against the leather. 

“Darling,” Erwin whispered. “Please end it.” A hard shudder wrecked Levi's body, and he gritted and bared his teeth from the perfect mix of pleasure and denial. He didn't even care that Erwin had called him darling. All he could think about now was coming. Erwin had pushed him so close to the edge, and he was just hanging there now. 

“Shut up,” Levi whimpered. “Fucking touch me. Do something!” Again, Erwin's cock twitched hard inside of him, but he didn't give Levi anything else. It was only enough to keep Levi focused on the feeling of fullness of his insides but it wasn't nearly enough to be satisfying.

“I want you to come on me,” Erwin begged. “I want to fuck you so badly.” A tender hand reached over to Levi's throat, and Erwin ran his thumb up and down the center of Levi's blushing neck. 

“Stop talking,” Levi breathed. “You son of a bitch.” The rattling of Levi's voice under Erwin's thumb made Erwin's mouth water. 

“I'll stop,” Erwin promised. “I'll stop all of it.” Levi groaned under him in agony. “I'll make it okay again.” The words were slow and sweet, and that frustrated Levi even more. 

“Now,” Levi demanded. “Fuck me.” 

“End this for us,” Erwin shot back. He leaned down and licked Levi's neck. That long lick was followed by Erwin pulling out and thrusting in only once, and it was painfully slow. Levi's sense of time was disoriented, and his vision was blurred. So close.

“Ugh,” Levi bit his bottom lip hard. Even pain would barely distract him now from the ache his felt in his groin. The knots in his stomach were pulling tighter. He had forgotten what he was supposed to say at all.

“Ask for help,” Erwin offered quietly. He lifted his head to look at Levi's face. “I'll give it to you if you ask.” 

“Help me,” Levi said quickly. Erwin reached down, without looking, and released one of the prongs from Levi's belt around his waist and wrists. Levi's eyelids barely opened to reveal those glorious silver irises that Erwin lusted after. Whatever resolve Erwin had left to reach this goal was melting away. Dipping his head, Erwin pressed his lips against Levi's. The kisses were so tame that Levi felt like they were barely there. The over stimulation of his body could only let him think about the cock in his ass that wasn't moving anymore. Levi gasped for air between kisses. If Levi didn't give in very soon, Erwin knew they would have to stop. When he leaned back just enough to look Levi in the eyes, Erwin smiled. 

“I love you, Levi.” Levi's chest dropped quickly when the words knocked the air out of him. His inhale was just as deep and strained. Erwin was very worried when he saw tears welling in Levi's eyes, but he kept his face as neutral as he could. There was obviously a sob that was locked in Levi's chest.

“I fucking love you,” Levi breathed the words with a broken voice. Erwin's fingers released the final prong and quickly pulled the lower belt from Levi's skin. Not willing to wait another second, Levi reached up to his cock and began stroking it desperately. The top belt was still taut against his chest, but he didn't need his shoulders for this. Supporting himself on both hands again, Erwin began pumping in and out of Levi furiously. He closed his eyes.

Levi's orgasm was so hard that it hurt, but that wave of pain was followed by unbelievable pleasure and relief. His cock soaked his stomach and chest in come, but Levi didn't stop even when he was coming dry. Erwin was stilling moving in and out of Levi's clenching hole, and his moans were just as loud as Levi's now. The pressure had built up for both of them for so long. Then he felt some of Levi's come land on his stomach.

When Erwin came, he released so much into Levi that he could feeling it running past his cock and back out of Levi's body. Erwin kept his eyes closed tightly and stopped moving. He didn't want to open his eyes. Just the thought of seeing those initial tears made Erwin feel like complete trash, but he still needed to release the other belt around Levi's arms.

Opening his eyes, Erwin only looked in the direction of the belt. Carefully, he released the top belt and pulled it apart. After a hard swallow, Erwin glanced up at Levi's face. His eyes were closed, but there were a few stray tears pushing past his closed eyelids. When the other belt had been released, Levi raised his hands to cover his face. 

Erwin lowered himself on top of Levi and wrapped his arms around the small man's waist. He pulled Levi close and hid Levi's face in the curve of his neck. Of course, Levi was trembling and listless. Erwin opened his eyes and was thankful to only see the bed sheet under him. The sniffling that Levi was making was right against Erwin's ear though. There was nothing he could do about that.

“Are you cold?” Erwin asked gently. Levi nodded. They both knew it was a lie, but Erwin was purposely letting Levi have it. Erwin moved his hips down and pulled out. “Can you wrap your arms and legs around me?” Slowly, Erwin felt Levi's limbs lifting up and wrapping around him. “Don't let go,” Erwin instructed. Levi's legs tightened around Erwin's hips and his hands met between Erwin's shoulder blades. Levi's forehead was nestled against the curve of Erwin's neck and shoulders.

Erwin sat back on his knees and carefully moved to step out of bed. It wasn't difficult to balance Levi's weight with his own. And Levi did hold on tightly this time. This had only been the second time Levi had allowed himself to be carried while he was semi-conscious. 

Walking across the room, Erwin rubbed one of his hands up and down Levi's backbone. The trembling hadn't stopped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really know how I feel about this piece. This chapter was especially difficult for me to write. I'm a bit surprised that I'm sharing it at all. Feel free to let me know what you think of it. The next chapter is going to be rough too.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter deserves a trigger warning for the brief discussion of a suicide attempt and child abuse. Please consider these before reading further.

When Erwin walked into the bathroom, he closed the door with his foot. There was enough moonlight coming from the window high in the wall for him to still see the outline of the tub in the dark. Erwin went to the tub and turned on the water for the shower. He held his hand under the water until it felt warm enough and then he stepped into the tub under the stream of fresh water.

Levi released his legs and slowly lowered himself to the floor of the tub. When Erwin felt like Levi could stand, he released him and Levi turned around the face the water. The warm water rushed over Levi's face and he held his breath while he let the water wash his face. There was still a great trembling his legs, but the water felt so good. His hands rose from his sides and he moved them over his body to try and push the fluids off his skin. It made Erwin feel better to see Levi attempt to wash himself. 

“ _So you're still in there,_ ” Erwin thought. After Levi seemed a bit more satisfied, Erwin pushed him forward gently before stepping into the water himself. A quick wash was all Erwin needed. 

Erwin reached past Levi and switched the water from the shower to the tub faucet. He leaned past Levi to put the stopper down in the bottom of the tub. Erwin sat down and stretched out his legs on either side of Levi. Then, he pulled Levi into his lap. The muscles in Levi's back felt tense against his chest.

They sat in the tub and felt it fill up around them without speaking. Once it seemed full enough, Erwin lifted his foot out of the water and turned off the tap. The silence filled the dark, steamy room then. The water sloshed when Erwin lifted his arms and put them on either side of the tub. Levi laid his head back against Erwin's chest. 

“Erwin,” Levi muttered finally. There was still a break in his voice that Erwin thought must have been tears. Erwin kissed the top of Levi's head. 

“I'm here,” Erwin assured him. “You're with me.” 

“Thank you,” Levi said weakly. Erwin thought his heart would break. Thanking him for something that now seemed like such a horrible thing made Erwin feel so low. He wasn't sure if Levi thought this had been worth what they had done, and he was afraid to ask.

“I would do the worst things for you,” Erwin whispered against Levi's hair. There was nothing Levi felt like he could say to that. Erwin lifted his head waiting for a response. Part of him wanted Levi to reprimand him for what had been done, but he was thanking him instead. 

“I feel very light. And confused,” Levi shook his head.

“Confused,” Erwin repeated softly. 

“About these,” Levi was talking about weeping. Talking about his tears. 

“It's very normal,” Erwin assured him. 

“Why.” It was barely a question. But he knew why already. 

“Because so far everyone you have ever loved has left you,” Erwin closed his eyes. That hurt for him to say. “In one way or another.” When Levi inhaled, his breath quivered. Opening his eyes again, Erwin tried very hard to focus. 

“I wanted to say it so badly,” Levi's voice was weak now. 

“And now you have,” Erwin made sure to add a touch of encouragement to his voice. Erwin rubbed his lips together. Levi blinked rapidly and felt the little streams of hot tears run down his cheeks. 

“I feel relieved,” Levi paused then. “I feel like it's okay.” Levi's hands met under the water and he pushed at his cuticles with his fingernails. Erwin gritted his teeth. While he wasn't sure what Levi's reaction would be, this was a little worse than he expected. Levi wasn't making much sense besides he seemed to be uninjured and tired. 

Erwin lifted his arms from the sides of the tub and wrapped them around Levi. 

“Darling,” Erwin muttered to him. “I'm very proud that you are willing to be so uncomfortable. It means that when you've decided you want something, you'll do whatever it takes.” Levi's breath snagged in his throat audibly followed by a trembling exhale. Erwin frowned. 

“Turn around,” Erwin said. Levi leaned up and turned around awkwardly in the tub until his right side was facing Erwin. Water sloshed over the edges of the tub and onto the floor. They could only barely see each other in the dark. Levi adjusted until he was laying against Erwin's chest and facing the wall.

“This is the first time you've ever called me anything but my name,” Levi said. 

“I know,” Erwin wrapped his arms around Levi again when he thought he was comfortable. Then he bent his knees to support Levi against him.

“My mother would call me that sometimes,” Levi admitted. The guilt settled in Erwin's stomach like a hot rock. He hadn't known. It had just come out. “I miss her.” 

“I didn't know,” Erwin said gently. The unspoken part of that was he hoped Levi had not resented him for saying it. Levi was just too raw then. 

“I like it when you call me that.” That was Erwin's weakness and he wouldn't fight against it. He loved giving Levi what he wanted. Anything that would pull him out of this or force him past it was worth trying. One of Erwin's hands lifted and found Levi's neck. It dragged up to Levi's face and pulled him close to Erwin's. When Erwin felt his mouth resting against Levi's cheek, he kissed it and whispered in Levi's ear. 

“You are my dearest,” Erwin muttered. “I love you down to my bones.” Levi closed his eyes tightly forcing more tears out and he bared his teeth. It felt like he was in pain, but there was a foreign sense of joy. Both of those were followed by a feeling of safety. Nothing could ever harm Levi as long as he was here with Erwin. When Erwin felt Levi tense in his hands, he closed his eyes and continued to whisper. “My undeserved reward. Highest decorated creature in my life.” The words were broken and almost seemed meaningless, but Erwin felt Levi's body perking up for the words. “Beloved treasure. Darling, you are my _favorite_.” 

Favorite. That word felt so powerful to Levi. Whatever was left of his willpower to keep himself together was slowly sinking, and a sob wrenched from his chest. It was quickly followed by another, and Levi melted against Erwin. The blonde held him while he sobbed. While Levi's crying wasn't loud, or even powerful, it still relieved Erwin to know that Levi had finally broken beyond whatever held him back. The tension that had been in the room earlier was fading away with every sob that Levi released into Erwin's chest. Neither of them knew how long Levi stayed like that. It only felt like a long time.

Suddenly, Levi pulled away and wiped at his face with a wet hand. Erwin let his hands rest on the edge of the tub. That was over too quickly. There could be so much more left. 

“You don't have to fight,” Erwin said quietly. 

“It's what I have,” Levi said. “Just like you and your words.” Erwin let out an irritated breath. 

“I'll gladly not say another word for the rest of the night if you can stop fighting.” Erwin quickly ran through all of the information he had about Levi. Dead mother. Raised then by a man who taught him how to fight. After that, Levi had basically only survived. So maybe that's all there was for Levi. All of those years of pain had been summed up in only a few minutes of pure sorrow and then distance once more.

“I want you to talk,” Levi muttered. “Say more words. Tell me about the last time you cried.” It was such a gentle request. Erwin swallowed heavily. It was fair for Levi to ask for that, but it was something he had not spoken about ever. Levi deserved to know. He would give him anything.

“After my father was killed, I had trouble expressing myself for a while,” Erwin leaned his head back. Whatever came to mind, he could say. “Enough that, I didn't speak for a few weeks. And while I was mute, I heavily considered killing myself.” Erwin's tone was so flat that Levi didn't feel like he had heard correctly. However, Levi was unwilling to interrupt. Hearing all of this suddenly was shocking, but Levi was also morbidly intrigued. How could such a hopeless child ever grow into the man he saw now? It was distracting him from whatever he had felt earlier. 

“I tried to drown myself in the bathtub that was in my childhood home,” Erwin smiled in the dark. “Because I thought it could look like an accident. Also, because I was quite stupid. But since I've had this tub, I've found myself in it anytime that I feel vulnerable. And now I've dragged you here.” Levi looked around himself in the dark. The edges of the tub were visible in the low light. That's when he noticed the water was cooler now.

“Erwin,” Levi said. Just the sound of his name was enough to ground Levi back in reality. He didn't know what to say after that, but Erwin didn't give him enough time. 

“After my failed and weak attempt to make a strange form of amends to my father's ghost, I decided that I would have to speak again. But if I was going to use words, I would have to master them. Completely.” Erwin cleared his throat. “There just isn't anymore room for mistakes.” Levi nodded and understood that feeling.

“So when you spoke again is when you started learning to manipulate people.”

“With much practice,” Erwin said. “Trial and error mostly. Social experiments based completely on how I could affect my peers. The hardest part was not to gain the reputation of a gossip. I had to maintain perfect control over the spread of the information that I was giving to people. Sometimes I would have to lace it with a gentle lie.” 

“To what end?” 

“To see what would happen,” Erwin admitted. “So far no else has died.” That remark was bitter and angry. Levi furrowed his brow and rested against Erwin again. “And now I feel comfortable speaking to people on a regular basis most of the time. I don't have to lie anymore. Words are my greatest tool.” 

“Did you cry then?” 

“What?” 

“When your father died,” Levi said. “Didn't you cry?” Erwin's eyelids fluttered. 

“I didn't cry until I surfaced from the water that I couldn't even drown in,” Erwin said. “When I did, when I had failed to find any way to relieve all of that pressure and guilt, I broke. I cried so loudly that I scared myself and cried harder.” Erwin laughed a little at his own foolishness. It shocked Levi to hear that sad laugh. He could only attempt to cover it up quickly.

“I cried on the day my mother died,” Levi smiled in the dark. “I cried once more after that, and Kenny threw a shit fit.” Levi had never called the man by name, but Erwin filled in the blanks.

“A fit,” Erwin repeated. 

“He kicked my ass,” Levi said. Erwin nodded. There was a sense of rage that raised in Erwin's shoulders, but it could be ignored. Nothing could be done about that now.

“If you ever meet him again, you should kill him.” 

“If I ever meet him again, I will,” Levi admitted. “I'm sure he'll have the same idea.”

“Why?” Erwin's brow furrowed. Levi shrugged. 

“I'm a Captain now, and he's still a thug, I'm sure,” Levi said. “It's not like we're going to have a fucking tea party.” Erwin smiled widely then. Finally, something familiar. There was his Levi. 

“So now I know that man's name,” Erwin said. “Do you know your mother's name?” 

“Yeah,” Levi breathed. That's all Erwin wanted to know. 

“I'm glad you remember it.” 

“Her name was Kuchel,” Levi offered. He hoped that Erwin wouldn't ask what his mother looked like because he honestly didn't remember anymore. Lifting his head, Erwin found the back of Levi's neck in the dark and pulled Levi to him. Their lips met, and Levi's face softened. Levi's hands found Erwin's skin in the dark and felt of him. Erwin broke the kiss. 

“How are you feeling now?” 

“Better,” Levi smirked in the darkness. Then their lips came together again, and this time the passion that seemed lost earlier had returned. Tongues pressed against each other making slick noises in the dark. When Levi found one of Erwin's nipples, his thumb brushed it. Erwin broke the kiss with a gasp. 

“Levi,” he chided. “Quit. That tickles.” Erwin cleared his throat. There was amusement in his voice though. 

“You don't mean it,” Levi prodded. “Call me those names again.” The request sounded so odd, and Erwin realized that Levi had rarely ever been praised. 

“They won't be as pretty if I say them all the time,” Erwin said. “The water is cold. Let's get out.” With a huff of irritation, Levi lifted himself in the tub and somehow gracefully removed himself from Erwin's lap. With a bit of maneuvering, Levi was able to get out of the tub. 

“Why didn't you light a damn candle,” Levi complained. He crossed the room and opened the bathroom door. Some of the light from the candle on the table poured into the dark.

With a loud sloshing sound, Erwin stood and pulled the stopper from the tub so it would drain. Levi found a towel and began drying himself off. Now realizing that he had been soaking in skin water made him uncomfortable, but he was too tired to shower again. 

Erwin stepped out of the tub, and Levi tossed the towel to him. They had sat there so long, their hair had pretty much dried. Erwin caught the towel and began drying himself. Shamelessly, Levi watched. Erwin didn't pay any attention. Once he was dry, he dropped the towel on the floor and mopped up the water they had spilled from the tub. When the towel was soaked, Erwin picked it up and hung it on the side of the bathtub to dry. He then turned and walked towards Levi. 

Levi turned and walked out of the bathroom. That amount of cleaning wasn't satisfactory, but he was too tired to deal with it.

“Hey,” Erwin said. Levi stopped and looked back at Erwin. “Lay in bed with me a while.” Levi winced. The sheets were dirty. 

“I'm changing the sheets first,” Levi insisted before walking towards the wardrobe.

“Quickly,” Erwin said. He walked over to the table and took a cigarette from his tin. Lighting it, Erwin watched Levi move around the room. Of course, it didn't take him long to have the bed stripped and remade. Also, Levi added a blanket to the bed. He was still cold. Erwin ashed in the ashtray before picking it up. After blowing out the candle, Erwin moved to the bed. Levi had already laid down on the fresh sheets and put one of the pillows under his head. 

Erwin set the ashtray on his nightstand. During Erwin's motion, Levi reached up and took the cigarette. With his hands free, Erwin crawled into bed and laid on his back. Per his usual habit, Levi laid his head on Erwin's chest and Erwin wrapped his arm behind Levi's back. Together, they pulled the sheet and heavy blanket over them. It was too hot for Erwin, but he would gladly lay under it to be next to Levi. The cigarette was passed back to Erwin and Levi exhaled smoke. 

As Erwin smoked the cigarette, he stared at the dark ceiling. He wasn't tired at all now. There was too much new information to sort. After a while, he noticed that Levi hadn't said anything. 

“Are you asleep?” Erwin barely breathed. Levi didn't answer, and his breathing was deep. That moment, Levi at peace with being horizontal and naked, made the entire night worthwhile. It was almost impossible for Levi to sleep like that unless he was very ill or exhausted. No doubt the aversion to being horizontal was also instilled in him at the hands of the degenerate Kenny. 

Carefully, Erwin reached around to tap the cigarette out in the ashtray. When he felt Levi move, he worried that he had woken him again, but Levi only rolled over in his sleep. Erwin relaxed and smiled. He rolled over towards Levi and stared at his back in the dark. Now, Erwin remembered every scar without having to see them in the light. 

The temptation to wrap an arm around Levi and pull him close was strong, but the sound of his easy breathing was also memorizing. Erwin didn't want to risk waking Levi up again. However, he did indulge himself by reaching out and feeling of the skin of Levi's back with his fingertips. Many scars interrupted the trail that Erwin made down Levi's back, but it only endeared him to Levi more. Some of those scars had been earned from the Survey Corps duty, and the rest were earned during the part of Levi's life that Erwin simply could not imagine. 

When Levi arched into Erwin's fingertips, Erwin broke contact. Surprisingly, Levi leaned back until he was pressed against Erwin's chest. A big arm wrapped around Levi, and Erwin kissed the back of Levi's shoulder. 

“Go to sleep,” Levi grunted. Erwin smiled and closed his eyes. It didn't take long for him to fall fast asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

The next morning when Erwin's alarm clock rang, he opened his eyes. Levi was gone. That was typical, and it would have been more concerning if Levi had still been in bed. Erwin sat up and looked across the room to his desk. There was a letter of course. He turned off the alarm clock then. A yawn forced its way out of his mouth and he ran his fingers through his messy hair.

Rolling out of bed, Erwin put his feet on the cool hardwood and walked over to his desk. When he picked up the note, a smile crossed his face. 

_I'm picking my team today. I'll probably have some incident reports for you to sign tonight. I'm going to do my best to avoid property damage._

Erwin shook his head. Whatever it took. As long as Levi could finally accept the responsibility of other lives again, Erwin would be satisfied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Ingrown** :
> 
>  **1** : grown in; specifically : having the free tip or edge embedded in the flesh 
> 
> **2** : having the direction of growth or activity or interest inward rather than outward
> 
> Update as of 08/24/2016: Thank you, dear reader, for supporting this piece by reading, leaving kudos or comments. I appreciate your support so much. Writing about these two has really given me something to look forward to during my day. Knowing that people have enjoyed reading this as much as I have enjoyed writing it is an overwhelming and very positive feeling. Thank you for what you have given me.
> 
> I'm new to tumblr! valisi-clark.tumblr.com


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